The Emerywood Pulpit
“Loving Self…It’s Not What You Think”
Romans 13: 8-10

January 26th, 2014

Do you love yourself?  I’ll bet you never thought you would hear that question in church — and said positively. This concept is not something I ever heard as a young boy growing up in a Southern Baptist Church.  I heard “deny yourself,” “sacrifice yourself,” “surrender to Jesus” and phrases such as these.  Over and over we heard these words of Jesus as if they were the only words he ever said:  “If any would come after me let them deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow me.”  Again and again these words came ringing from one pulpit or lectern after another.  The idea we heard was that as humans we already “loved ourselves” too much — and what we needed was to get a focus for our lives that was greater than our “self.”  The primary sin of humans, we were told, was that we were selfish and egotistical — and if we were to know true happiness then we would sacrifice ourselves, our desires and our ambitions on the cross of Jesus Christ.
Then, in the 1970’s a concept started floating around some of the churches and youth gatherings, based on a popular book entitled “I’m O.K., You’re O.K.”  This concept was that a healthy person was one who had a healthy sense of self.  After all, we were created by God and, as one famous slogan went, “God don’t make no junk.”  Grounded in psychology, the understanding was that if we had a good sense of self, then we would be much more likely to make good choices and have good lives.  If we had a negative sense of self then we would be more likely to make negative choices and live out those consequences.
From that point onward, the battle raged — and did it ever.  Depending on the pastor and the church one would hear sermons proclaiming each as the gospel and the other as the embodiment of evil, itself.  The word “confusion” does not even begin to do justice to what happened to lay people as they heard both sides of this issue.  Do I love myself or do I hate myself?  Do you have to be a schizophrenic in order to be a Christian — at one point loving and another hating yourself?
It is my belief that Christ intends for us to love ourselves, but that self-love is not what we usually think.  Self-love is not egotism — thinking that we are better, smarter, or more beautiful than other persons.  Self-love is not self-centeredness — thinking that the universe revolves around us and our wants and desires. Self-love is not self-esteem — feeling good about ourselves.  There are times when, because of our actions, we need to not feel good about ourselves even though we love ourselves. In fact, egotism, self-esteem and self-centeredness are prescriptions for making your life miserable. 
Do you want to know how to make yourself miserable.  It’s easy, really nothing to it:
"Think about yourself. Talk about yourself. Use "I" as often as possible. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others…Expect to be appreciated. Be suspicious. Be jealous and envious. Be sensitive to slights. Never forgive a criticism. Trust nobody but yourself. Insist on consideration and respect. Demand agreement with your own views on everything. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them. Never forget a service you have rendered…”
Self-love means that we know, care, respect, and take responsibility for our self. As healthy individuals we only have one self.  If we do not take care of our self, then who will?
Self-love begins with self-knowledge, i.e., an understanding of ourselves, who we are, our likes and dislikes, as well as our strengths and weaknesses.  The ancient Greeks had an adage, “know thyself,” which, while attributed to Socrates long predated him.  Self-knowledge is considered inimitable to a healthy personality and a successful life.  If we do not know ourselves then we will find ourselves time and again responding in wrong and immature ways — and in so doing creating difficulties for ourselves and others.  Lack of self-knowledge could and does often lead us into ventures or areas where we have little or no expertise or talent. 
What does it mean for us to “know our self?”  To begin with, it means knowing our heritage, our family of origin — that home into which we were born and where we were raised.  Nature (genetics) and nurture (environment) are major players in our development and if we are unaware of them then we will be “flying blind” in life, as it were.   Not only is this true physically, it is also true mentally and emotionally.  A great part of our attitude toward life, our personality, and our likes and dislikes is derived from these major players in our development.  Our understanding of and attitude toward God, faith, the church and religion in general is set to a large extent by our family.  Many times this is positive — but it can also be negative, especially in circumstances where the church is continually critiqued by the parents.  I have had more than one conversation through the years with adults who are reluctant to return to the church because of the great criticism they heard from their parents who faithfully attended. 
Are we aware that as humans our personality is basically set by the time we are seven years of age?  By this time our basic attitude toward life and others has been implanted within us: extrovert, introvert, trusting, non-trusting, joyful or sad — we are the way we are before we ever realize any choice in the matter.  Now, to be sure how we develop this personality — what we choose to do with it — that is ours.  The reality, however, is that our personality is set early on.  Have you ever asked yourself why you are the way you are?  How do you see life?  Is the glass half-full or half-empty?    Most of this came out of the environment of your home — you are your parents’ child, whether you like it or not.  Knowing our self is foundational to loving our self.
Once we know ourselves, then we need to respect ourselves as persons worthy of God’s image and love.  Every person — no matter their race, ethnicity, sexual identity, gender, educational level, economic standing or religion — every person is made in the image of God and is loved by God.  For most of us this is not “news,” i.e., we have heard this since we were young.  However, there are many people who, for differing reasons, have never heard this at the levels where it matters — in the depth of the soul and self-image.  In the most recent issue of Time magazine there is an excellent discussion of why persons from certain ethnic groups tend to out perform those of other groups —  particularly in the United States.  Interestingly enough, it is written by a woman whose family immigrated from India in 1977.  She notes that while “Indian Americans” had overwhelmingly succeeded in this country — 38% of all medical doctors are now of Indian origin, India remains one of the most backward and illiterate countries in the world.  Part of her conclusion is that those who come here have the family background and drive to succeed, regardless of their family of origin.
It is imperative that we help all ethnic groups to develop a positive sense of self.  Can you imagine growing up black in a world where the basic metaphor of good/evil is white as good and black as evil? Or, can you imagine growing up in poverty and being told that you are poor because you are lazy or a bad person?  Is it any wonder that many of the successful movements from churches which reach out to minority and poverty groups include self-love as a basic part of their program?  When you are told repeatedly that you are helpless and worthless, then you need someone to counter those statements and rebuild you from the inside out.
To respect ourselves means that we invest time and energy in our own personal growth and development.  Self-respect means that we look at our talents, our strengths and weaknesses — and work to develop our strengths and shore up our weaknesses.  Self-respect means that we treat others as children of God just as we require others to treat us in the same manner.  Whenever I see someone disrespecting another person, I realize that they, at bottom, do not respect themselves. 
Studies of successful executives show that they have a positive sense of self, what we would all “self-love.”  They believe in themselves and their abilities to solve whatever lies before them.  Further, they believe that they can grow and develop the talents necessary for them to be a success in life.  One of the reasons they succeed is that, since they respect themselves, they then respect others.  If we do not have a positive sense of self then we will not have a positive sense of others. 
Self-love also means that we care for ourselves, that we love our selves enough to see to our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.  The reality is that though others will care about us at different levels, rarely will they ever care for us enough to see that our needs are met.  In really good marriages spouses do this for one another — but being fallen humans we never do this completely, even when we try.  As parents we try to provide this for our off-spring, but our children grow up, leave the nest and look to others for these needs.  The healthy person recognizes that they have needs which are important if they are to be a whole and healthy personality.
Corporations started recognizing the importance of these needs decades ago and are afar ahead of the local church in developing programs that address these needs.  For instance, we all have a need for regular periods of exercise — walking is one of the best.  If we do not set aside that time then we will discover that our bodies will deteriorate and we will pay the price.  Too many times I have watched as extremely obese persons have died way too early, all because they refused to practice a good diet and moderate exercise.  Sometimes I wonder if these people love themselves at all — or if they have a death wish?  Physical abuse of our bodies through poor diet, no exercise, smoking, alcohol abuse and failure to have regular check ups, etc., can be a poorly disguised form of self-hate or even slow suicide. 
Emotional and spiritual needs are often harder to pick up on — but are equally important.  In fact, I have discovered that these three: physical, emotional and spiritual are all interrelated.  When we are physically inactive we tend to get emotionally drained and spiritually down, often “beating ourselves up” for not being faithful, loving, obedient, etc.  Likewise, when we are emotionally down, it is hard for us to engage in regular physical activity.  We just do not “feel” like it.  Similarly, when we are in the spiritual doldrums we will fell unloved and uncared for — and think ourselves not worthy of God’s love or anyone else’s.  
Self-love also means taking responsibility for our actions and our lives.  Whenever I hear someone playing the victim card, the blame-game, over and over and over, then I know that they are in a stage of spiritual dis-ease and are neither feeling God’s love or the love of others, nor are they loving themselves.  Only those who properly exercise self-love can take responsibility for themselves and their actions, good and bad.
Self-love is not the same as self-esteem.  The focus in self-esteem is on how we feel about ourselves, not how we understand or take responsibility for ourselves.  High self-esteem persons are all about perfection — being so in love with themselves ands who they conceive themselves to be.  These persons find it impossible to admit failure or guilt, for to do so would be to admit that they were not “not perfect.” 
On the other hand, proper self-love includes an appropriate element of guilt — knowing that there are times when our actions are not what they should be.  If we have a good sense of self then we will be able to admit that we “blew it” and are in need of a “re-do.”  If we do not have a good sense of self, then we will not have the proper ego-strength to admit our failure and, in any objective sense evaluate ourselves and improve.  Taking responsibility for ourselves and our behavior is a key element in loving ourselves.  We are not perfect…we will make mistakes…and the healthy person evaluates and moves on.  The unhealthy person remains stuck in their blindness and unwillingness to see.
Rabbi Albert Freilander tells of how as a young boy in Germany during WWII he was subjected to vicious racial epithets and propaganda.  He would lie awake at night in his bed and remind himself that he was a child of God and that he was not what they claimed.  From the depths of his faith he found the where withal to maintain his personal affirmation in the face of overwhelming odds.
Why is all of this important?  Simply, if we do not properly love ourselves, then we will not be able to properly love others.  The person who is able to “love your neighbor as your self” is the person who loves their own self.  Do you love yourself?  Do you like yourself?  Do you know yourself? 
Think about this:  God loves us so much that ever since creation God has tried to reach out to us that we might live in full relationship together.  God loves us so much that God was willing to come as a full human being, Jesus the Christ, and die upon a cross for us.  If God loves us that much — would it not behoove us to love ourselves and in so doing to walk with Christ in this journey we call life?  If God loves us that much — are we not persons of worth and value to God? 
Most of us have pets…especially dogs.  We treat our dogs very, very well, do we not?  Let me ask you this week to do one thing: treat your self as well as you treat your dog.  You will be amazed at how great you will feel!
The journey with Jesus is a journey of transformation which begins with our loving God, loving our self — and then are we able to love our neighbor.  It is in our response to God’s love that we discover the strength to love ourselves. 
Thanks be to God.