The Question of Prayer

“I’ll be praying for you…” How many times have we said this to a loved one, friend or even acquaintance who is going through a tough patch in their life? At churches we are noted for our long “prayer lists, prayer groups, and prayer chains.”  As followers of Jesus we believe that prayer works, i.e., that prayer changes events in some form or fashion, although we can never predict the outcome. 

Let me unequivocally affirm at the outset that my question is not with prayer itself.  The Scriptures teach us to pray — as did Jesus. To be a true to our Lord we must be people of prayer. The challenge with regard to prayer comes in how we understand prayer. 

Prayer is often understood as our talking to God for the purpose of pleading with God to do something.  Is this really the best understanding of prayer? I really do not think so, mainly for what this view says about God. We claim to believe in a God who is omnipotent, omniscience, and omnipresent.  We also claim that God is pure love and compassion. Total agreement here — so, let’s ask ourselves the tough question: “If God has all of these characteristics by nature, then why should we pray?” If God is all knowing, etc., then God already knows what is coming.  Can we really change God’s mind? Do we need to do so? 

Or what about God’s love? If God is all loving, then God already is acting toward us in total and complete love. What more could we want? If God is all present, then why should we ask God to come beside us? We believe God is always with us, whether we recognize it or not.

Too often we operate with a view of prayer that turns God into our cosmic butler, waiting on us hand and foot to supply our every want. In this perspective all we have to do is “name it and claim it” — and boom, God is there with the cosmic checkbook to provide what ever we ask. Is that really what we believe God to be? Is God’s purpose nothing more than to make us meet our every need and make us happy?

Before you start emailing me texts which refer to our taking our needs to God, stay with me for a few more paragraphs. In this essay I do not intend to quote scripture but to merely share what I, after 47+ years of thinking theologically and Biblically, believe is the deeper meaning and purpose of prayer.

The problem/challenge of prayer is not God, but us. We have transformed what is to be the foundational aspect of a life of faith, i.e., walking in communion with God, to a matter of self-interest and desire. Nothing could be further from the truth.  The purpose in prayer is not to get anything from God, nor is it to change God’s purpose in any given moment or situation.  

The purpose in prayer is for us to so align ourselves to the Spirit of God that we are able to LISTEN to God — and in so doing to become aware of what God wants us to be and to do in the context before us.  

Prayer is God’s way of speaking to us, of directing our response to those matters which are grasping us. Prayer is God’s way of calling our attention to those matters which ought to be grasping us, which go far beyond our immediate self-interest. Authentic prayer begins when we stop talking and start listening to the Spirit so that we can sense the guidance and direction of our Lord. Until we this transformation takes place, we are praying mostly to ourselves, which is telling both about our impotence in prayers as well as the reality of our God.

Do we see the difference here? Prayer is communion with God so that we can sense, albeit at times faintly, the mind of Christ in any given situation. 

Such prayer is not only personal, but also corporate. In corporate prayer we join together to seek as the Body of Christ the leading of the Spirit. Corporate prayer serves to limit our tunnel vision which makes prayer solely about us and what we seen. Prayer at the corporate level, i.e., congregational, results in our allowing the Spirit to lead us through a communal sense of what God wants rather than us being captivated by our personal and usually limited focus.

Consider the important issue of how we can best communicate the gospel with unbelievers and see God’s Spirit come alive in them. Too often our prayer for unbelievers has been “God, change those sinners.” When we pray listening to the Spirit, the prayer for others is transformed; “God, change us so that we are able to communicate in word and action the power and greatness of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” 

Consider the many social issues that tend to separate us even as followers of Christ. What if we prayed not for God to change others, but to change us, to work in our lives such that we are able to share with others the response of God’s love to the challenges that life brings? Rather than praying for God to feed the hungry, what if we decided that God was wanting us to act to help those dealing with hunger in our world of plenty?  Pick the issue that is most compelling to you — probably where God wants you to be involved — and then seek how God wants you to respond. Ask your community of faith to join you in praying that you all might know the mind of Christ with regard to whatever is before you. 

I realize that this may be a lot for some of us to chew on…I know it has been for me. Too often we have used prayer as a shield for inactivity and in so doing separating ourselves from engagement with the larger world. Prayer which seeks the guidance and direction of the Spirit is about engagement with  rather than separation from this world. 

Allow me to quote Frederick Buechner: “The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.” Our deep gladness comes in response to hearing God’s Spirit calling to us in love. When we know this place and are engaged in this place, then prayer becomes a simple matter of staying open to God’s Spirit so that we may be faithful.

Years ago I attended a Spiritual Formation retreat in Bethesda, Maryland by the Shalem Institute. Central to the retreat was a 24 hour period of silence — no talking to anyone. Just before we started I was checking some books out of their library to read. Sister Rose Mary Dougherty, one of our retreat leaders, looked at my arms and said, “We will do a lot of things to keep from listening to the Spirit of our Lord.” She nailed me to the wall, for to that point my spiritual journey was more intellectual than spiritual practice. I went to my room, sat there for several hours, reading scripture while trying to be there in silence and acceptance. About 1 am as I watched the snow gently fall, I was overcome with an incredible sense of God’s presence and peace. I felt love from God such as I had not experienced in a long, long time.

After the retreat ended I drove home and returned to my church. At the next Diaconate meeting one of our deacons asked to share a thought. She looked at me and said, “If the difference we see in you is reflective of what happens in a spiritual retreat, then we’re all in favor of you going every year.” I looked at these dear friends and colleagues and said to them, “I experienced the presence of God in prayer like I’ve never known.”

From that moment on I’ve realized that prayer is not about what I want God to do.  Prayer is about stilling my voice and mind so that I might sense God presence and purpose in whatever I am facing. Do I get it right all the time? Not on your life. However, I keep trying…and I hope that I can allow the events of my life — even such as developing Multiple Myeloma — to lead me to a deeper and fuller awareness of the presence and call of God in my life. In the end life is not about us getting what we want, but about God’s will being done in and through us. 

Spiritual

The Spiritual dynamic is very real for anyone diagnosed with a malignant cancer, even (and maybe especially) us ordained ministers. We have dealt with tragic circumstances as much as anyone this side of medical personnel — maybe more. After 47 years of ordained ministry as a Senior Minister I have cried with/for more people than I can ever remember. Whether it is the death of a child or a 90 year old, there is always what Miguel de Unamuno called "the tragic sense of life" lurking in the shadows. In walking with parishioners during these times we are called to be the presence of God that comforts, strengthens and enables the family to move forward with their lives in due time. As a young minister I did not fully comprehend this, but the reality quickly set in. The reality is that grief and sorrow create sacred moments, deeply binding pastor and congregation together. I would not give them up for anything, but they are incredibly painful. In these moments we realize how feeble and helpless we are in the face of deep grief and tragedy.

The death of children is particularly difficult on families and all concerned. I've had more than one family look at me and ask “Why did God allow this to happen?" My answers usually revolved around not understanding all that God permits, but to somehow let God use this to draw us closer to God and to each other. As Carlyle Marney replied to John Claypool when he posed this question concerning the death of his daughter: "When we get to heaven God has a lot for which to answer; and God will want to answer because God understands what we do not."

At this point I must confess that the question of Evil, known in theology as the question of theodicy, is one to which I have never found a fully satisfactory answer: How/why does an all knowing, all good and all loving God allow evil in the world? The dilemma evil presents to us is harsh; logic demands that we make a choice as to the makeup of God: 

• If God is all knowing then either God is not all loving or not all powerful. An all loving God could not allow evil to run rampant as it does. Should not an all powerful God would act to limit evil and it’s effects in the world?
• Is God fully knowledgeable about the future as we claim? The elements of chance and choice seem to be an integral part of our universe; God seems to be limited to act as we would suppose God should/could.  

There are at least 2 dimensions to this question: the "Macro" and the "Micro." The Macro focuses on universal events, i.e., plagues, earthquakes, world wars, etc., massive events that cause the death of thousands if not millions. The Micro is about the individual person, i.e., why do “I” in particular suffer this particular disease or event? Is it all about chance? Fate? Are these events really the purview of divine design?

This question became vividly real to me in dealing with my diagnosis.  I blithely figured that since I had served God faithfully (I knew the sacrifices my family had made to do so) — I just knew that God would bless us with longevity, i.e., that we could see our grandchildren grow up to maturity. In reality I knew that there was never such a contract; I have seen too many ministers have tragic events to know that.  

However, we all tend to think that we're special, we're different, and God will bless us and protect us. Now I had to come face to face with the reality that even as a minister I am no different than any other human; subject to the same physical ailments as anyone else. I have known far more pastors who have died before the age of 80 than after; and I have no concrete data as to why. I suspect the stress of ministry may have something to do with our average mortality. (Or it could be potluck suppers with fried chicken and pecan pie!)

My personal sense of tragedy was put into its place by numerous encounters with persons suffering from cancers far worse than mine. On my first visit to the radiologist, while in the waiting room a young girl, probably about 18 or so, came out from treatment. She was rail thin, had no hair, and walked by without a word or a smile. Whatever cancer she had, it was far worse than mine. I looked up to the ceiling and said to God and myself, "No, I'm good. I'll soon be 72 and chances are I'll make it to 80+." 

Please hear me carefully: I am not minimizing my cancer. I am not excited about living a decade or so on the edge between remission and relapse, taking chemotherapy drugs and dealing with the side effects, etc. However, my life journey to this point has been one of joy and challenge, of growth on so many fronts that I cannot imagine going down any other path. Am I personally wealthy? Not even close! However, I am such a different person than when I entered ministry that I can barely remember that delusional young man! I have been blessed with a spouse who loves me (not as easy as I imagine) and has walked beside me even when she wondered what I was thinking or where I was going. We have been blessed with 2 sons, 2 daughters-in-law, and 4 grandchildren who are the joys of our lives. 

My personal tragic sense of life focuses in that I wish to live and see my grandchildren mature, marry, and establish lives of their own. I am in the sunset years of life and other than this blip on the radar screen they are quite enjoyable and fulfilling. When the time comes for me to cross the River Jordan, I pray that I shall do so bolstered by the faith which has sustained me to this point.

Equating faith in God with financial success, personal well-being and/or longevity of life has always bothered me. What does this belief say to the millions of Christians around the world who live in virtually crisis situations, dealing with famine, starvation, viral disease and death on a daily basis? Does God love these any less than God loves us who live in relative wealth, peace and have full health care? I think not!

I fully reject any notion of the "prosperity gospel" — it is pure heresy. Faith in God is not a pathway to prosperity. I believe that one can serve God faithfully and the bottom will still fall out of your life for no real reason that you can discover. 

The uncertainty/unpredictability of human existence happens to us all; we really do “see through a veil darkly” in this world. I asked Dr. Hamza Hashmi, my incredibly brilliant oncologist, if my disease was due to genetics or lifestyle; he answered “probably neither.” I underwent genetic testing and I have none of the genes normally associated with a higher risk of cancer. For some unknown reason, I drew the card that said, “Multiple Myeloma.” 

We all know that having a lifestyle filled with bad habits will usually result in diseases and death. I’ve buried enough smokers who died in the 60’s to validate the statistics. However, that is not the only narrative. Bad things happen to people for no real reason other than that they just happen. This is life as we know it; there are no guarantees. 

Will God strengthen me and enable me to get through this? To be sure — God is my fortress and my rock. In my reflection about my situation I realized how fortunate I was to get to this age without any major diseases. My primary concern is not healing, though I would not turn that down. My focus is to deal with this disease in a strong and faithful manner, for my children and grandchildren are looking at me to see how I respond to this. Will I respond as a person of faith and trust in God as I have taught and preached for almost 50 years? Or, will I respond in depression, hopelessness and spend my last years "cursing God and waiting to die" as Job's wife suggested. My prayer is that I respond as Job: "Shall I accept good and not evil?" Or, as is said of Job, "In all that he did Job did not sin…" I will say more about this in the weeks to come. I’ve loved Job for decades!

While the “Micro” perspective makes Evil real at the personal level, the “Macro” is much more difficult to deal with from a theological perspective. Why would a loving God create a universe in which disease can run rampant? The dilemma for both perspectives is fairly easy to outline:

• Christianity claims that God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. We also claim that God is loving, compassionate, and just in all that God does.
• If the first claim is true, then how can the second one be? How does a compassionate and loving God allow “Macro Evil” to not only exist, but to even run rampant?
• Why did God not use God’s power to create a universe in which Evil is nonexistent? Does not the very presence of Evil call into question our beliefs concerning God’s omnipotence and/or God’s nature as loving and just?

In coming weeks I will deal with these issues in more depth. Suffice it to say that this question is one that has consumed me ever since I was a college student wrestling with the very idea of God. Wrestling with this question has not weakened, but deepened my faith in ways I never imagined!

The question of Evil raises moral issues not only about God, but also about us humans as moral creatures. Consider how many resources we humans dedicate to stopping/containing human pathogens. Billions of dollars were expended to contain Covid 19 — was this the best use of this money? A further moral question is should we try to do so? Plagues can be seen from one perspective as the way in which over-population was controlled for centuries. Is it really moral to stop human pathogens in a world where over-population is a definite problem? Would it not be in line with a utilitarian ethic (the greatest good for the greatest number) to allow the pathogen to wreak it’s havoc, knowing that after the plague has run its course those who survive will have a better life?

Should we “sacrifice” ¼ or 1/5 of the population to allow the survivors to thrive? (Dan Brown’s novel Inferno presents this dilemma in a very real and modern setting.) In reality is this not what transpired periodically through out human history? The Black Death (14th CE) killed about 200 million people — or about ½ of Europe before the cause was connected to rats coming from ships in port. The Flu Epidemic of 1918-20 claimed 50-100 million before weakening due to rising immunity. New World Smallpox (1520-early 1600’s) caused 25-55 million deaths, primarily among the Indigenous peoples who had no immunity to this disease brought by the Europeans. Covid 19 came to a more populous world but also one which had greater resources to fight it. Current statistics say that 6.8 million have died from Covid, although due to reporting coverup/failure deaths are thought to really be double that. 

I can hear the screams emitting from the readers now that there is no way on earth we should just step back and let these epidemics take their toll. I agree, I find this personally repulsive as well, but we must ask ourselves why we would believe this? Where does this value regarding human life originate? Why are we humans more important than the rest of life? Personally, my value comes from my faith, especially the Hebrew Scriptures with their beautiful account of creation and fall found in Genesis 1-3. I profess an ethic which says that every human being, regardless of any characteristics or differences, bears the imago dei and is of ultimate worth and value. The person with severe physical or intellectual differences bears just as much the image of God as does the brilliant scientist.

 

This ethical belief that all are of equal worth and value requires that we who have the financial/scientific resources exercise our power in such a way as to minimize the impact of “Macro Evil” in our world. Either we all are created imago dei, or none of us are. We cannot pick and choose, trying to decide who is of more value or worth. While the life of a Nobel scientist on the surface may seem to be of greater value than mine, who really knows? How does God value life, anyway? Jesus told us: “Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” Matthew 7: 29-31. We are each and every one of us valuable to God. 

Let’s take a step back to our original question: Why did/does God allow Evil — Micro or Macro? The truth: I have many more questions than answers. I have developed a personal theology which speaks to God’s self-limitation so that we humans might have to face the consequences of our ethical decisions. Our decisions do matter, to us and to others. God’s self-limitations so structured our universe that we would have to make ethical choices, i.e., we must decide whether or not to partake of the forbidden fruit. Each of us must make that decision; we cannot pass it on to another person — as Adam tried when he blamed God and Eve: “the woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the fruit and I ate.”   Or, as another ethicist put it: “I am not responsible for being here; but, being here, I am responsible.”

My personal belief is that God has so structured this world that we are called to live in partnership with God, living by the values and ethical norms found in Holy Scripture and ultimately in the person of Jesus Christ. In this partnership we are called to be re-creating what Scripture calls the “Kingdom of God.” Whether this Kingdom is to re-created here (N.T. Wright) or in another dimension of time and space (heaven) I do not know. I do believe that in our lives we are to be engaged in building the Kingdom in this world, right here where we live, in anticipation of the fulfillment of the Kingdom. When we live by the ethics of our Lord — something that is much harder that we wish to admit -- we are bringing into life in some small, albeit imperfect way, the reality of the Kingdom. God cannot do this alone in this world, but requires the partnership of those who “obey him” to bring this about. ("Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Matthew 7: 21.)

One final thought before I close: what sustains my faith so that I can ask these questions are not the answers of theologian or philosophers, but those of Holy Scripture and of hymns. I so miss going to church and singing the hymns of faith. I’ve discovered that Baptists and Presbyterians sing out of the same hymnal — metaphorically speaking, of course! We sing our faith more than we know. When I ask a person to name their favorite hymns, I will soon understand the substance of their personal faith. What is an intellectual exercise to the academician is a question of life and death to the person facing the reality of Evil. We are finite human beings trying to understand the infinite — an impossibility in any full sense of knowledge. In that moment when belief comes up against these limits, we are called upon to take our stance — faith or disbelief? Will I trust that the faith which has sustained me to this point will sustain me through death and into the life to come? 

What matters at this stage is not the academic, but the personal question: upon whom am I relying as I journey these last years of existence? A couple of verses from “How Firm a Foundation” (one of my 2 dozen favorite hymns) provides the answer to Micro Evil far better than I can frame:

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose, 

I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell shall endeavor to shake,

I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

More to come…comments welcomed…prayers requested! 

Personal

One of the aspects of having a malignant cancer is that you look at life so much differently. I will talk about the spiritual aspects later, but do want to say that my “sense of invincibility” is long gone, not to mention the “illusion of control.” I've had my share of orthopedic events:  shoulder surgeries, meniscus scoped, achilles heel issues, but nothing life threatening. Most of my wounds have been self-inflicted! The most difficult personal aspect to date is that I've always been on the other side of the bed, i.e., the one helping others to cope. Now I'm the one with the manageable but incurable disease. Now I'm one of the thousands  who go every week to have blood tested and receive chemotherapy.  When I sit in the blood testing waiting room @ MUSC, I look around at all the people there with the same or similar diseases.  The kindness/sense of community that permeates the room is encouraging, deriving from the reality that we are fighting similar battles. Perhaps if all of us in our world would work with the image that we are all battling the same "cancer" we would be much kinder to one another!

In retirement I enjoyed walking 18 holes of golf 2-3 times per week, as well as hitting balls the other days when weather permits. I've always enjoyed the golf  for the variety of its challenges as well as the beauty of being outdoors in nature. From March  2021 to January of 2022 I was unable to play as I was recovering from spinal fusion surgery and rehabbing my spine. I mistakenly assumed that I would be able to play by July; that was a laugh. My physical therapist released me in November to start chipping and putting.  When I returned to playing  in January, 2022, I tried to walk 18 holes (with my electric bag cart) but could not do so without total fatigue. So I returned to riding in a cart and walking at home to build up stamina. 

When I received the news in October 2022 that MM had progressed, my hematologist Dr. Hashmi said that I had to stop playing golf when I started treatments due to the fragility of my spine and other bones from both the disease and the treatments. So, once more I find myself unable to enjoy what has been a valued part of my life. My son Eddie did take me to play the noted East Lake course in Atlanta; my last round of the year.  I am hoping & praying that I will be strong enough by May to start hitting balls again. 

Debby has been wonderfully supportive and encouraging through all of this.  She will not let me feel sorry for myself and has noted that I've tended to become reclusive and maybe even a little depressed. I don't know what I would have done without her and I am sure that taking care of me is not something she bargained for some 47 years ago!  

Honesty and confession have been the greatest aids to me in my personal battle. There is something empowering about saying “I don’t like this” and then adding “but I am not about to let it beat me!”  I often laughed at the saying, “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.” Now I believe it fully, for personal growth and development come through challenge, not ease.

Quite honestly, I miss the exercise of walking, light workouts with stretching, and golf. These kept the endorphins flowing in my brain, not to mention keeping me in better physical condition. I walk some, but even going a mile with our dog is strenuous.  This will get worse before it gets better, but I’ve accepted that and am ready to get to the other side of the transplant and on to recovery. I am continually reminded that life is about the journey as much as the destination. I try to enjoy the journey even when I have to go on detours! 

I have read some, but not that much in these days.  I find it harder to concentrate on the good works of history and philosophy, etc. The omnipresent “spy” novels are all about the same — entertaining but you know the plot! My former professor, Dr. Wayne Flynt, has recently published a wonderful book, “Afternoons with Harper Lee.”  A warm and personal look at this very private and even reclusive author, I recommend it fully. Dr. Flynt is a rare combination of intellectual acumen and deeply held religious beliefs. You will not be disappointed and will gain a new appreciation for Ms. Lee and her fierce independence.

So, the wheels on the bus go round and round…keep me in your prayers (please) and next week we’ll take a stab at some of the spiritual thoughts and feelings that flood my meager brain these days.

My Journey with Multiple Myeloma

 Many friends have asked me about both my disease, my prognosis and for updates. I'm taking a cue from a friend and fellow minister, Dr. Guy Sayles, who has been dealing with MM for over 8 years. I will be writing here once a week or so, depending on what's going on with me.  This journal will be a combination of medical updates, personal thoughts and even some realistic spiritual struggles. My hope/intent/prayer is that this journal will help others dealing with medical/personal/spiritual issues to gain some courage to face them as well.

If one "must" have a blood cancer, Multiple Myeloma is one you would pick. Though incurable, MM usually can be put into remission for a significant period of time. From talking with and reading the accounts of others life from this point forward will probably be about remission and relapse. I just hope and pray the former times far exceed the latter. However, there are no guarantees. We do know that the human body eventually wears out and dies. Even in Hunza Land, where people regularly live to 120 or more, they all die. 

To begin with I will share three aspects of my current status: Medical Prognosis; Personal and then Spiritual. These will be placed on my Blog — Dr. Bob’s Blog — where once upon a time I posted sermons. 

Medical Prognosis

For several years I had been 'afflicted" by lower back issues -- not uncommon for golfers as they age. In the spring of 2020 the issues grew more severe. An MRI revealed arthritis in the lower spine. I underwent Physical Therapy (helped some) and bought a back brace to wear during golf. However, my back continued to hurt with pain running down my legs. In December of 2020 I fell while playing kickball with my grandchildren -- trying to score!!! I felt tremendous pain even while wearing the back brace. I went to see my Physical Therapist the next week and she put me into orbit with the slightest touch on my back. My Internist immediately scheduled both an MRI and an appointment with a top spine surgeon at MUSC, Dr. Bruce Frankel. His PA met with me after the MRI, took my history, and said that I had to meet with Dr. Frankel himself as there were some irregularities that they did not like. This happened the next day; Dr. Frankel informed me that I had a compression fracture of the L4 vertebrae. This fracture, plus some slightly elevated proteins noted a couple of months prior by my Internist Dr. John McGough, raised the prospect of a plasmacytoma, or plasma tumor of the L4. Dr. Frankel scheduled surgery in 2 weeks, while also informing me that this tumor is usually a forerunner of Multiple Myeloma and that he would call in the MUSC specialist for this cancer, Dr. Hamza Hashmi. 

Spinal fusion surgery in April of 2021 was successful and the plasmacytoma was confirmed. Dr. Hashmi informed me that I did not have full blown MM, as my plasma cells were below the 10% figure. The “Multiple” term refers to more than  single a source of plasma cells; though there was another spot which glowed in the PT/CAT scan, it was nothing very large. I had 25 sessions of radiation therapy in May-June of 2021 under the guide of Dr. Bradley Cooper, MUSC. After these sessions all seemed good as the blood work was excellent and the cancer markers reduced to normal. I was released to continue PT and having quarterly blood work and scans. We knew MM would come back, but hoped that it would be 5 years or so. My condition rapidly improved and by October, 2021 I was back tormenting my friends on the golf course. In December, 2021 Debby and I went to Paris and took a Viking River Cruise down the Seine to Normandy and back to  celebrate both our 45th wedding anniversary the year before as well as my 70th birthday — both events delayed for 1 year by Covid.

Quarterly scans and blood work all looked good; though a couple of markers were tending up rather than down, they were not that concerning to the doctor. The 1st week of April, 2022 we went on a 15 day Viking Ocean cruise: flying from Atlanta to Madrid, then after a couple of days on to Barcelona via a Bullet Train, boarding our ship there and cruising the western Mediterranean through the Straits of Gibraltar and then on to Portugal, France, England, Belgium, and finally Norway. Despite one day of rough weather in the Atlantic we had a great and memorable time. We came home and continued on with life as usual.

In June and again in September of 2022 I had more blood tests and scans. This last time the results were not as positive, though the markers were not that much higher, save for a kappa/lamda figure and Monoclonal protein spike. Dr. Hashmi told me that I was positive for Multiple Myeloma; he suspected it was hiding in my  bone marrow & bones — that he wanted to attack it before it grew worse. We both agreed and he explained that I would have chemotherapy for about 12 weeks — both daily at home and weekly outpatient at the hospital. At the end of these treatments he would talk to us about an Autologous Stem Cell/Bone Marrow transplant. In a few weeks we began that schedule and are just now completing 9 weeks.  I have 3 more to go and will be finished on February 1st.

Several people have asked why I did not go somewhere for a second opinion. Two basic reasons:

    a. I have a sister who is a retired Hematologist/Oncologist and though she no longer practices she is familiar with Multiple Myeloma and knows the basic protocols. Her statement, "This is not an exotic cancer and a good H/O can handle this." When I told her that Dr. Hashmi specialized in MM and does clinical trials, etc., then she confirmed that I was in the right place. 

    b. Dr. Hashmi's credentials and ability to focus on MM made going elsewhere non-essential. I would not travel elsewhere to be treated when I have a top flight cancer hospital, the Hollings Cancer Center of MUSC, 12 miles downtown — it is ranked in the top 10% of all cancer treatment facilities in the US. Through the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society information is available online as to the latest treatments. What I am receiving is the standard of care for MM in its early stages. I also have a childhood friend, whose wife has been dealing with MM for 2 years. They travel every six months to the University of Arkansas Medical Center in Little Rock which has a noted MM treatment facility. My treatment protocol is the same as hers, which again reinforced our decision.

At this stage chemotherapy consists of 4 main drugs: weekly injections of Velcade & Darzalex Pro, a weekly oral intake of Dexamethasone and a daily regimen of Revlimid — 14 days on and then 7 days off. There are also the usual supportive medications to reduce side effects: Oyster Calcium pills (and a shot of Xgeva monthly;) Acyclovir — to prevent shingles; and various others such as Benadryl, Tylenol, etc. Though this sounds like a lot, it is really mild compared to what other cancers require. Every Wednesday I spend 3-4 hours @ MUSC Hollings Cancer Center having blood drawn and analyzed and getting my shots. BTW, MUSC has the best technicians, nurses and staff that I have ever experienced. All their patients are hurting at one level or another, and they are nothing but kind, calm, caring and informative. 

On January 11th, 2023 I had full blood work and met with Dr. Hashmi and Dr. James Davis, head Pharmacist @ Hollings Cancer Center. After this final round of chemo I will be having an incredible number of tests to ensure my body is up to this. Then in mid-February the doctors will harvest my own stem cells, freeze them, and then reintroduce them in mid-March; this is called an “Autologous Stem Cell/Bone Marrow Transplant.” If all goes well the next year will be spent rebuilding bone marrow and my immune system. I must receive  again all the vaccinations I have ever been given — even measles and mumps!

The greatest danger at this stage with MM is not as much dying from the disease as it is dying from a secondary infection. I wear a KN 95 mask everywhere I go, as does Debby. Dr. Hashmi warned her not to go out and catch something and the infect me! In fact, at this stage the most challenging aspect of treatment is not so much the chemo, though that is no fun, but rather being quarantined from people. (Fatigue is a close second!)  We miss our church and SS Class — the ministers and members at Westminster Presbyterian have been wonderfully supportive — but we are confined at this point to watching worship online every Sunday.  It is not the same, but it is better than nothing. 

Side effects are very mild compared to other cancer treatments: fatigue, neuropathy on the bottom of my feet, occasional stumbling, blotches on my skin from the injections in the abdomen area, and the usual “chemo gut” — I’ll just leave that right there. My body has really tolerated these drugs very well.

So, that's the medical picture, or almost all of it. On November 9th Debby had a total shoulder replacement while I had my second round of chemotherapy. I dropped her off at an adjoining hospital and picked her up 2 days later; due to Covid and/or my being immunocompromised I could not go stay with her.  She has done amazingly well and is almost through with her PT. She is quite the trooper, I must say. 

From what I have gathered my case is fairly normal, especially considering we caught it very early. The moral of this part of the narrative: play kickball with your grandchildren and if you break your back you will be blessed.

The Christmas that Truly Is…

Luke 2: 1-20

One of the great realities of life is that the human memory is incredibly powerful.  We are our memories – compiled not so much out of our experiences as from what we choose to remember and what we choose to forget.  There is so much more that happens to us than any of us can ever recall.  One of the more humorous (and humbling) aspects of Christmas season is to get with family and friends and go back home again, i.e., share those memories of our family of origin or even of our current family.  No one remembers everything – and it is quite illuminating to see who remembers what.  Perspective is everything – even in memory.

All of this is to say that when we read the gospel accounts of the nativity and see Matthew emphasizing one aspect (the coming of the wise men some time later) and Luke emphasizing another – the Bethlehem narrative as probably related to him by Mary when both lived out their later years in Ephesus – we can then say that these are not false or contradictory reports, but honest human endeavors to remember and to share the narrative of the birth of Christ.  The reality is that though Christmas has become for us a major celebration, it was not so in the early church or for hundreds of years.  The birth of Christ was so insignificant to the early church that the earliest letters and gospel say nothing about it.  Mark omits it entirely and it is nothing more than a side note in two of Paul’s letters as he refers to Jesus being the son of Mary.  What we know of the birth of Christ we know through the shared and interpreted memory of a few.

So it is with our remembering and retelling of Christmas past.  If we are what we remember, then what do our memories of Christmas tell us about ourselves?  For some of us our Christmas memories are warm and wonderful, hot chocolate or cider, cold nights, relaxing days, giving and receiving gifts – but mostly taking the time to share with our family and closest friends.  Some are shared with extended family and friends while others, separated by insurmountable miles, build these with our immediate family.  Some of us remember bath-robed pageants with aluminum foil stars, stumbling and bumbling recreations that inspired as much laughter as sentiment.  I’ll never forget when, as a 5 year old boy, my father would not let me walk barefoot into the church so I, out of all the magi, had on my bathrobe and my favorite shoes, which happened to be boy’s work boots!  Or the time the donkey bit the church custodian’s hand and would not let go until the custodian bit the donkey on the nose!  

Garrison Keillor, in one of his reports on life in Lake Wobegon, was describing all the activity that occurs in the mythical Minnesota town about this time of the year. Keillor admits that many of the pageants and special services are a bit silly, some of them ridiculous. Why would these ordinary people, who have no acting training, not much acting or musical ability, join in these Yuletide theatricals?  "Because," says Keillor, "it's a great story and we just want to be part of it."

Yes, it is a great story – it is the seminal story of our culture and faith – and we do wish to be a part of it – and we wish for others to know and feel it as do we.  These powerful images burned into our psyches and souls inspire us to make memories for our children and/or grandchildren.  We long for our family to have the same images of Christmas as do we.

For others of us Christmas is not so memorable, for Christmas is not immune from human tragedy.  When I was a boy there was a family who attended our church whose father was an alcoholic. One year the father came to see my father, the pastor, a couple of weeks before Christmas.  “I have stopped drinking,” he announced.  “I am not going to ruin another Christmas for my children.”  Sure enough, he did not, for on Christmas Eve he dropped dead from a heart attack.  Years later I talked with his sons and heard horror stories of what had transpired in their home before his demise.  I wondered, how do they see Christmas?  How do they look at this season and have anything more than painful memories of childhood?  That they were anywhere close to normal was a testimony to their mother and to a church which helped and nurtured them to adulthood.

If we are those for whom Christmas was more of a crisis than a celebration, it is not only o.k. to admit that, it is necessary for our emotional and spiritual health.  When we say that Christmas is not always “Hallmark card-perfect,” we are touching upon the essence of the gospel. The coming of Jesus is good news to a world where bad news is always just below the surface – and sometimes reigns.  The birth of the Messiah is about the love and grace of God to a world in need of both.  Maybe the gift most needed this Christmas is to be released from images of Christmas that never were so that we can celebrate the Christmas that truly is.  

The “Christmas that truly is” is based not in glitter and lights, but in the wonder of a God who loves us.  Christmas reminds us that, in the words of an ancient church theologian, "the Lord did not come to make a display ... [God came] to put himself at the disposal of those who needed him and to be manifested according as they could bear it." ( Athanasius, On the Incarnation. ) 

Most of the inhabitants of Bethlehem saw neither star, nor angels, nor did they hear any singing.  It was just another night like any other night, with the wonder of God’s incarnational presence lost in the ordinariness of human existence. The Christmas that truly is resounds around a feed trough, a newborn baby, and the wonder of simple folk who witnessed it all.  That they were never quite sure of what they witnessed is beyond debate – as is the truth that in that moment they encountered the fullness of God such as they or the world had never known.  This “fullness of God” is grace beyond grace, forgiveness, love, and compassion such as the world could not and still does not comprehend.

Another has put it well: Because of His visitation, we may no longer desire God as if He were lacking: our redemption is no longer a question of pursuit - but surrender to Him who is always and everywhere present. Therefore at every moment we pray that, following Him we may depart from our anxiety into His peace. ( W. H. Auden, For the Time Being.)

So, join me in celebrating the Christmas that really is.  Gather round the nativity and gaze in wonder and awe before the sacred mystery of life.  Sing carols at the top of your lungs – on key or not – and rejoice that God chose to come among us as one of us.  Rejoice that the last word from God is not judgment but grace, not condemnation but commutation, not death but life – and life eternal.  The “Christmas that really is” ends not in Bethlehem but in Gethsemane where an empty tomb and the promise of angels completes the story.  Nay, the “Christmas that really is” ends not – rather it continues in the hearts and minds of believers, in the multitude of churches with their bath-robed pageants, aluminum foil stars, those stumbling and bumbling recreations of that night when Jesus finally shows up.  The Christmas that really is – no other Christmas can compete!

“To Guide our Feet in the Way of Peace”

Luke 1: 78-79; 3: 1-20

Well – it’s December again and once more we find ourselves wondering what to do with these days from now until Christmas.  Centuries ago the church discovered that these days could best used as a time of preparation for the celebration of the birth of Christ – and so we have the Christian season of Advent.  These Sundays are often used to focus on four themes: peace, joy, hope and love.  So it is that this morning we find ourselves looking at the theme of peace and reflecting upon how we can know the peace that Christ promised.

Most of us come to worship these days with the expectation that the worship service will relate to us and enable us to handle the day-to-day world in which we live.  If a message of peace were ever appropriate, this would seem the time.  Internationally tensions are boiling over, Covid 19 threatens us all, and wars linger around the planet.  Then there is the matter of our own national peace – or lack thereof.  We have greater divisions in our country than many of us can remember, dating back at least to the 1960's.  How can we have peace when we feel so threatened and uneasy?  Many of us come to church hoping and praying to receive a word which will calm our souls, ease our tensions, and allow us to live a somewhat normal and stable life.

The last person we expect to hear from or feel to be relevant to our having peace is John the Baptizer.  Oh, to be sure we know of him.  This kook from the hinterlands shows up preaching repentance and demanding that people give up their soft and comfortable lives in anticipation that the Messiah is coming.  His role is that of the prophet, the one who challenges the status quo – especially us good religious folk.  We've heard those verses where he enumerated what his hearers ought to do: share your coats, share your food, and treat others with justice and equity.  Hmph.  What does John know of peace?

Maybe more than we think.  If we go back to the first chapter of Luke we find the end of his father Zechariah’s song/prophecy which he gave upon hearing that Elizabeth was pregnant with John: “By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace.”   John’s role, it seems, is to prepare for the coming of Jesus by guiding us into the way of peace.  John the Baptizer is the one who is to know what makes for peace.  In other words, we are told that in listening to John we can know how to achieve peace. 

There’s just one slight glitch:  instead of John being soothing and nice, telling us how much God loves us and how valuable we are to God, John strides forward and preaches sermons that sound more like fire and brimstone than they do love and mercy.   The one who is to come, John says, will baptize with fire and will winnow the chaff from the wheat.  To be sure, Luke does take up for John: “With many other exhortations he proclaimed the good news to the people…”  It’s just that what John seems to be saying doesn’t seem to be good news to us – it really seems to be bad news…news of judgment, of fire and burning...not peace at all.

What exactly do we want out of our faith, anyway?  Do we expect it to make us feel good – or do we expect it to challenge us?  A colleague overheard two students having an animated conversation:  “Well, I’m a Methodist, you’re a Catholic; but the main thing is whatever works for you is right, right?”  The other replied: “You don’t know much about Catholics, do you?  My faith is working on me but not necessarily for me.”   (From William Willmon, God Drawing Near.)

“My faith is working on me…but not necessarily for me.”  Ouch.  We’re not Catholics…we tend to be Baptists around here…but we get this.  Real faith, true faith, is not about making us feel good all the time – chocolate bars or exercise work real well in doing that.  Real faith is about transformation, about changing us from the inside out so that we are ready to live in the world that comes with the Messiah.  Real faith is not about a repentance which is remorseful and backward focused, but about a repentance which is about decision making and future oriented.  Real faith understands that it is through transformation in Christ that I am able to become the person who can have peace of any kind – or who can become a peace maker of any kind as well.  

Interestingly enough, Jesus did not tell those whom society labeled as “sinners” to repent.  Jesus told the “sinners” that they were forgiven.  It was the religious people that Jesus called to repentance.  Why?  Could it be that Jesus knew that the sinners already knew that they were sinful…they were reminded of that fact daily.  What they needed was forgiveness.  However, the religious people were a different matter – they did not see themselves as sinners, but as God’s chosen.  They needed to know that repentance was expected and required if they were to be acceptable to God.

How does all of this relate to peace?  Peace is not the absence of hostility, nor is it living life in an “anesthetized state” where in we are immune to the stresses and pressures of the world.  One philosopher has put it well:  “Peace is not the negative conception of anesthesia.  It is a positive feeling which crowns the ‘life and motion’ of the soul.”  Then he adds, “The experience of peace is largely beyond the control of purposes.  It comes as a gift.”  (Alfred North Whitehead, Adventures of Ideas, pp. 367-8.)

When we aim at peace we rarely if ever hit it.  However, when we try to be the kind of people and have the kind of society which fosters justice and fairness, then we know peace as the gift of God. Thomas Merton put it best: “A man who is not at peace with himself necessarily projects his interior fighting into the society of those he lives with, and spreads a contagion of conflict all around him.”  If we find ourselves living in the midst of continual turmoil and conflict, maybe we are spreading our interior conflict onto others – rather than being the peace-makers Christ has called us to be.

Both Jesus and John the Baptizer took a similar approach in dealing with matters of peace:  they began with the personal rather than the corporate or international.  This is quite surprising given the situation that they were living in a country occupied by a foreign government.  Yet, this is a truth which has been recognized the world over – through out all times and cultures.  600 years before the time of Christ a Chinese philosopher penned these words:

If there is to be peace in the world, there must be peace in the nations.

If there is to be peace in the nations, there must be peace in the cities.

If there is to be peace in the cities, there must be peace between neighbors.

If there is to be peace between neighbors, there must be peace in the home.

If there is to be peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart. ( Lao-tse – 6^th c. BCE.)

 The only way to achieve personal, soul-full peace is to surrender ourselves to Christ and in so doing allow Christ to fill us with his person, his purpose, and his peace.  Only in self-surrender – of our images of our self, of our desires and goals and wishes, of our hopes and dreams, i.e., of all that we want for our selves and those we love – only in surrender of those that we discover the acceptance and the peace for which we seek.  Tension and stress are mere manifestations of our striving, of our controlling, of our desire to have life be “the way we want it to be.”  It is when we loosen our grip and broaden our hearts that we know the peace and love which come through Jesus the Christ.

When we have the peace of Christ we are then able to accept and love others whom we may have once perceived as the “enemy” or at least as in opposition to our views and way of life. Whether the issue be racism, sexuality, economics or social justice, the answer is clear: when we accept others with the love of Christ we open the doors and smooth the paths that lead to peace, both personal and social.

The path of peace reaches beyond my intellectual beliefs to the person, to the soul of the other and says that relationship is to be valued over our individual perceptions of the “truth.”  Ultimately that is the only way of peace – whether it be in the Middle East, in Africa, in the gangs of our cities, or in our own hearts. For only in our acceptance of the other will we find the “peace” for which we yearn.

Amen.